What is the Problem with Couples and Codependency?

Couples who become codependent is a toxic problem where one or both partners rely too heavily on the other for emotional support.

Dependence from both parties can then escalate into an imbalance where boundaries and identities become murky; it establishes a pattern of emotional dependency and stunts growth.

Learning about codependency and how and why to change unhealthy patterns can help us move into a more balanced way of relating.

The Nature of Codependency

Codependency tends to appear as an excessive desire to both care for and control another person -- usually at the cost of their own needs.

This pattern can stem from a variety of factors, and sometimes it’s related to childhood, attachment styles, or unresolved emotions. In a codependent relationship, one partner typically serves as the enabler or rescuer, while the other is the dependent or the one who makes demands.

A couple's imbalance creates a pattern of enabling and powerless: the caretaker, who feeds on the self that they could so easily help, and the dependent, who can't face their issues without that sustenance.

Signs of Codependency

The first step to healing is to recognize that you are in a codependent relationship.

Typical hallmarks are an overwhelming hunger for approval, difficulties with setting and respecting boundaries, low self-esteem, and an inappropriate level of responsibility for the partner’s feelings and behavior.

Codependent people may also feel frustrated and resentful, because it seems as if they are caring for a child, yet the child never grows up. These symptoms typically signal deeper problems. Addressing them is requisite for the relationship to be healthy and more balanced.

How Codependence Affects Relationships

Codependent relationships can be devastating to those involved in them and can result in dysfunction and dissatisfaction, whether one is the dependent and the other is the enabler.

The caregiver may also become too overwhelmed with how dependent their partner has become on them and can begin to feel resentful and burnt out.

At the same time, the dependent partners may feel inferior, incompetent, and helpless, which tends to increase their dependence on the care provider.

This situation can lead to a negative cycle where each partner feels like they are being held back and unsatisfied. The relationship may also become disconnected from external support as the two become overly dependent upon each other.

Ending the Codependency

There's no simple fix to breaking free from codependency because it genuinely is multifaceted, involving learning how to take care of yourself and setting boundaries, but it does require self-awareness and growth.

The starting point is for both partners to acknowledge that there is codependency and commit to changing the pattern of relating. The endeavor commonly includes self-analysis and self-reflection, with individuals recognizing behaviors and root causes of their addiction.

Developing Healthy Boundaries

You need healthy boundaries if you’re going to overcome codependency.

That includes learning to say no, being aware that you can’t pour from an empty cup, expressing your own needs, and respecting the autonomy of others. Good boundaries create an equilibrium where both partners are supported and on an equal footing.

Encouraging Individual Growth

Personal development and personal growth are essential for achieving success in breaking free from codependency.

Both should pursue interests or hobbies that help to nurture their unique personality and strengths. Pursuing hobbies or interests can involve engaging in platonic activities outside the relationship, as well as pursuing friends and goals of their own.

Fostering personal growth can also help create a healthier sense of self-worth and independence in partners so that less of what makes them feel validated and fulfilled is related to their relationship.

The Role of Therapy in Addressing Codependency

For couples with codependency problems, professional therapy is a great resource.

Therapists can assist couples in identifying what triggers their codependent tendencies and how to channel them more constructively.

The practice of couples therapy offers partners the opportunity to share their feelings, learn to resolve conflicts, and rebuild trust.

Seeing a therapist on one’s own can also be helpful as it can help each partner address the issues that are allowing the codependent relationship to flourish.

Final Thoughts

Working on codependency in relationships is a process that requires time, patience, and knowledge about oneself and one's partner.

Couples who identify codependent patterns and put appropriate strategies in place to support individuation and healthy boundaries can free themselves from codependent triggers and establish more balanced and satisfying relationships.